So, I’m doing Christmas shopping now. Among the various things I’m not buying from ThinkGeek this year, I’m seeing some really weird items. Figured I’d share them, in the hopes someone can be as wigged out and amused as I am. I’ll leave it as an exercise to my nonexistent readers to figure out what I would and would not want to purchase for myself.
Let’s call this a Holiday Gift Guide. That makes it sound all planned and stuff.
- Swedish FireSteel: Start a fire in any weather, even in rain or snow, with this wonderfully dangerous sounding bit of Swedish metal. Creates 5500 degree F sparks, in abundance. The local fire departments must love these things like they love the whole turkey frying phenomenon.
- ToolLogic FireSteel Knife: A sweet, small profile stainless steel folding knife with liner lock, with a Swedish FireSteel built in. Pretty svelte. Includes belt clip and emergency whistle. Bring a smile to the pyromaniac in your life who likes pointy things. I’m thinking of picking one up sooner or later.
- Baconnaise: Exactly what it sounds like. Horrified and transfixed. Horrifixed? Transified? (And no, I have not tried it. You try it.)
- Tac Bac Tactical Canned Bacon: Not even kidding. It is preserved so as to last for ten years. Apparently, the perfect thing to stock up on in case of Zombie Apocalypse. Actually want to try this, but can’t bring myself to spend money on it right now. Kind of dread the d ay when I can make myself believe it’s a justified expense.
- Motivational Poster – Teamwork: “A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction”. Yay for destructive synergy!
- Red Shirt Star Trek Cologne: “Smell like the future, because tomorrow may never come.” Scent: Bright, clean and direct with top notes of green mandarin, bergamot and a hint of lavender (your hope), finishing with base notes of leather and grey musk (your smoldering shoes after you’ve been vaporized).
- OMGWTFBBQ Apron: To quote ThinkGeek: Be careful. Let your guests declare, “OMGWTFBBQ!” because your grilling reigns supreme, and not because you’ve lit the yard on fire. We thank you for your attention in this matter.
- All Edges Brownie Pan: Avoid undercooked brownies or burned/dry edges. Create more delicious edges. Edge out the brownie competition. Trip the geeky cutting edge of culinary science! … And I’m out of edge puns already. Drat. But … delicious brownies! Also includes a “custom spatula” and recipes. Hand wash only, unfortunately.
- Eric and the Dread Gazebo T-Shirt: It’s too late. You’ve awakened the gazebo.
- Time Release Caffeine Capsules: 200mg of caffeine over eight hours. The greatest thing ever. The worst thing ever. And I mean that completely seriously.
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